Leap Day

Today is February 29, and it’s a special February 29 for me.  Why?

Do the planets align allowing me to shed my mortal form and ascend the throne of heaven to rule the world?  (OK, guys, don’t let George Bush read past that last sentence.  I want the little bastard to squirm a bit.  Because I would be an absolute terror on the throne of heaven.)

Do the stars align with the right planets allowing me to take Jessica Alba, Queen Latifah, and Lisa Lampanelli as my co-brides?  (Note:  Nita would still remain First among Schmoopies in this arrangement.)

Hell, did I get a publishing deal even Sarah Weinman didn’t know about yet?

No.  None of these.  (Kinda bummed about the whole Throne of Heaven thing, ‘cuz I wanted to cast Dick Cheney into the fiery Pit of Doom.)

Instead, due to a quirk in BigHugeCo’s payday schedule, this is the only time in my life where I will be paid a salary three times in February.

That’s pretty cool.

Is The Media Unfair To Hillary Clinton?

Yes.  Someone should stop Ann Coulter and Bill Cunningham from endorsing her.  It’s not fair to drag her down like that.

Otherwise?  Not so much.  She digs her own grave nicely, doesn’t she?

They Really Need To Toss Him Under The #82 And Let The Freeway Traffic Finish The Job

WLW talk show host Bill Cunningham has a problem.  He doesn’t understand why John McCain “threw me under a bus” with the national media.  Apparently, McCain didn’t cotton to Cunningham’s trademark confrontational remarks before a political rally yesterday.

Here’s my problem.  Cunningham is one of Cincinnati’s biggest crybabies.  Criticize him, and he has to go on the warpath to discredit his detractors.  This time out, he’s insulted because McCain, like, yanno, doesn’t want to play politics as usual, doesn’t want to be one of those Republican candidates who toe the Far Right line to microscopic tolerances.  I don’t want to tell tales out of school, but I suspect John McCain has never knocked on the wall of a men’s room stall or shown any interest in Congressional pages.  Some of Cunningham’s heroes seem to run into problems with that.  (Full disclosure:  I know enough people who know Cunningham to say that he doesn’t have that problem either.  One listen to his old night show on Fridays is enough to prove that.)

But that’s not Bill Cunningham.  Since the 1980’s, Cunningham has made his fortune in radio as a True Believer to the right of Rush Limbaugh.  Sometimes, in the context of Cincinnati culture, he’s pretty damned funny.  Like when he went on vacation, and WLW’s general manager came on the air to say she was offended by his comments and had suspended Cunningham.  With a liberal he respects, like Mayor Mark Mallory or Governor Ted Strickland, he’ll gladly play the buffoon.  But…

Knowing full well he was being asked to introduce John McCain, knowing full well what kind of campaign McCain wants to run, Cunningham took it upon himself to try and kick McCain further to the right than the people voting for him wanted by crossing the line in his remarks about Barack Obama.

Cunningham likes to say he was just using Obama’s middle name, like he does with Hillary Rodham Clinton or any other politician he discusses.  However, Cunningham is on record as saying the closet Muslim myth and the black separatist myth, both long since disproven and discredited, are facts “not reported by the mainstream media.”

Now he’s upset McCain took him out to the woodshed.  Excuse me, Bill, but you weren’t on your dime, you were on McCain’s.  If anyone should be apologizing, it should be you.  Seems like every time you open your mouth anymore, I feel embarrassed to live in Cincinnati.

Bill, you may be a fine American, but you’re a total asshole sometimes.  This is one of those times.

[cue theme from 2001]It Has Returned!

Plots With Guns rises again.

Thank you, Neil Smith.

Thank you.

[OK, enough with this Wagner crap, that antisemitic prick. Someone put on Warren Zevon’s “Lawyers, Guns, and Money” and get me a bottle of Jameson.  Time for some PWG!]

H Piddy In Da Hizzoussse!!!!! (Of Gryffindor)

Yo, he gonna bust a cap in D-Mal’s ass…

She’s Being Evited

Looks like Ohio and Texas are must-wins for Hillary Clinton, the woman once considered the “Inevitable Next President of the United States.”  While that alone proves America will vote for a female president, it also proves there’s no such thing as an inevitable candidate.

And now the attacks are getting lame.  Even Fox News, which still trots out the “closet Muslim” myth mainly to fill air time these days, doesn’t seem as enthused to embrace the thinnest of smears against Obama.  One senses that even on the right side of the spectrum, people really don’t want to choose between another old white guy and another political dynasty.  The best anyone’s come up with against Barack Obama that doesn’t have me falling out of my chair laughing* is lack of experience.

And lack of experience, ladies and gentlemen, seems to be Obama’s strength.  One suspects the package Hillary is selling will be bought by the electorate, especially since she is appealing to many conservatives as an alternative to John McCain, but that Obama will be collecting the commission.

The fact is people are sick of the establishment.  And for once, we have a smart man who likes building bridges, can run with good ideas, isn’t shifting his stance every time a new poll comes out, and just happens to be different enough from everyone else in the race to send a message to the rest of the world that America is better than its current leadership has demonstrated.

I’m not one of those who believes that Obama will solve all our problems, that beer will spout from every public fountain, and unicorns will magically appear** under his administration.  I simply think we have the best chance of repairing our relations in the world – and only paranoid moron thinks we don’t need the world – and squelching this red state/blue state bullshit that’s poisoned the nation for the past 7 years.

I have no doubt Hillary can pull it off.  I’m sure John McCain can make policies I don’t like work for everybody.  Believe me, this is an election I’m not going to lose sleep over for once.  But I’ve already made my choice. 

And it’s not business as usual.

Welcome back to 1980.

*Or wondering why Tod Goldberg isn’t attacking the person as a fucktard.  I mean they can’t all be writing to Parade, can they?

**Because everyone knows this Administration has diverted millions in unicorn research to Halliburton.

And If You’re Head Explodes In Dark Forbodings, Too…

Ugh! How’d I get so behind?

Lot of personal stuff, for sure, but…

The web work? Reviews? The novel?

This is what I get for scheduling four gigs in one week, then canceling two. (One weather, one a largely for-comedians gig for trying out new material. I just got this set ironed out.)

On the upside, new Awful Show bit, hopefully first in a series. Yes, I’ve found a way to make Dr. Neil Warren Clark sound even more annoying than he already does.

And creepier.

Thanks for the assist, Joel.

This has been a monumental whine with J.

Thank you.

Doing Right By Our Newest Vets

John Scalzi had five copies of his latest, Zoe’s Tale printed up, four for his own nefarious purposes.  He’s auctioning off the fifth to benefit the Disabled Veterans Charitable Trust.

Why did you choose the Disabled American Veterans Charitable Service Trust?

Three main reasons:

1. It is part of Disabled American Veterans, a charitable organization with a history of service going back nearly 90 years. That sort of longevity appealed to me, particularly given the mission of the organization.

2. Our current involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan means that we have new disabled veterans coming home every day; I want to honor their service. Whatever one thinks of war, generally or specifically regarding Iraq and Afghanistan, those disabled while serving deserve our help back here at home.

3. The “Old Man’s War” series has had a lot of fans in the US military, and I wanted to thank them for their support by returning the favor to those of them most in need.

Can’t argue with that, nor would I.  Please consider bidding.

Thanks.

Happy VD!

I know.  Some of you thought I’d be alone and sulking today.  That was the plan.  However, it’s not working out that way.

Just when you think life has slapped you down hard, something wonderful happens to you.  I will be spending this evening in the company of a lovely woman named Juanita (who is even less Spanish than I am) spoiling her rotten.  She’s completely caught me off guard and taken my breath away.

And lest ye think I’m spiting the ex, the same thing has just happened to her as well.

This gets Diane and I off the hook with each other.  I mean a house one Valentine’s Day, and a divorce the next.  The only way to up the ante next year would be to swap organs.

Neither of us knows where these new loves will lead, but suffice it to say, I’m very happy right now.

Happy Valentine’s Day.  Sometimes it surprises you.

Ice Ice, Baby

The New Year’s Day snowstorm that buried Northern Ohio didn’t faze me.  The half-dozen or so people who went in the ditch either behind me or just ahead of me that night?  Yeah, it fazed them.  Let that be a lesson to you.  You don’t 60 miles an hour when there’s at least two inches on the ground, you don’t own an SUV, and the snowplows are just going through the motions.

Driving to Chicago and catching the tail-end of the Superbowl weekend storm?  Pfft!  I laugh at that.  People in Colorado call that a dusting, and the closer I got to Chicago, the less impressed people were with the snow.

Driving through Northern Kentucky to downtown Cincinnati on ice?

Not just a commute, it’s an adventure.