Dear Mr. Cunningham:
Yes, we know your power is out. As I type this, 154,000 people in the Cincinnati area are still without power in the wake of Hurricane Ike’s visit to the Tristate. Unlike you, most of them do not have a radio show on a 50,000-watt AM station.
However, let’s put a few of things in perspective. Since your power’s out, you can spend the time you normally spend watching Hannity and Colmes to good use turning this over in your addled brain.
- Tropical storms don’t normally reach Ohio with any degree of intensity or moisture. The last one to come to Ohio still relatively intact was Opal in 1995, which didn’t come through Cincinnati. It only dumped an unexpected rain shower on us. The last hurricane to make it to Ohio with its winds still intact was the killer storm that struck Galveston in 1900. In other words, this is a freak occurrence. And you want to sue Duke Energy because a freak storm, the likes of which hasn’t happened here in 108 years, is keeping you from watching The O’Reilly Factor? Hey, dumbass! Downtown didn’t lose power! Go stay in The Cincinnatian! It’s not like you’re poor or something!
- Your power’s been out for only four days. I have a friend in Texas who also has no power and doesn’t expect to well into next week. In Houston and Galveston, they’re looking at SIX WEEKS! Quit being a pussy, you pussy. You’ll get your power back in time to masturbate to more footage of Sarah Palin.
- If I yell “Fire!” in a crowded movie theater, the police would arrest me and quite rightly. I’m creating a menace to public safety by stirring up people in an enclosed space. Similarly, if someone puts on a swastika arm band and starts reading from Mein Kampf outside a synagogue, he will be arrested probably seconds before the congregation breaks out the pitchforks and clubs and considers whether dead bigot meat is kosher or not. You are on 50,000 watts threatening Duke Energy, the people trying to turn your freaking power on, not only on your show, but other people’s shows on WLW. Meanwhile, people who will never afford to live in your palatial Indian Hill estate are already stressing from the loss of power. Were I Simon Leis, I’d be waiting for you in the lobby of the former Bank One Towers with a pair of cuffs, a Miranda Card, and a copy of public safety laws which you apparently forgot to read while you were in law school marching on the plains of Xavier. In short, Willy, you are a public safety menace. Rather than waste the sheriff’s time, SHUT THE HELL UP!
- Let me give you the same advice you gave to survivors of Katrina back in 2005: Man up! I’ve lived in Cincinnati for 17 years now, and I’ve yet to see you be anything resembling a man. Keep in mind I don’t define a man the way your fellow WLW host, Tracy Jones, does. But we do agree on one thing. A man doesn’t whine like you do when he’s merely inconvenienced. A good start would be to apologize. You’ve been nothing but a child with an AARP card all week. Time to prove you’re at least technically an adult.
To paraphrase Sam Wyche, Willy, you don’t live in Houston, you live in Cincinnati! Grow up!