Football Calculus

Yesterday, pro football began in earnest. Unfortunately, I’m writing this more than two hours before the kickoff between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Baltimore Ravens so I can’t tell you how my season started yet. That’s what happens when you do your blog posts on Sunday morning.

Anyway, last year was an aberration for me. I actually rooted for the Baltimore Ravens when they weren’t playing the Bengals. Why?

They weren’t the Steelers, and a Cleveland boy living in Cincinnati is honor-bound to hate the Steelers. It more than makes up for the four years during the Bengals’ lost decade when Cleveland did not have a team. Because the Bengals did not meet my standards, I was forced to join Steeler Nation until 1999. Thank you, Al Lerner. Thank you.

But two things happened. Despite all the trappings and records, the Cleveland Browns playing on the lakefront today are not the Browns I rooted for until 1994. No, those Browns were kidnapped and spirited away to Baltimore. While I sympathize with the people of Baltimore, who themselves were treated shabbily, let’s be honest. They took my team away from me.

So how did I not become a Bengals fan until the mid-2000’s? Simple. Let’s say I move to your city: Chicago, Phoenix, San Francisco. I don’t automatically adopt the home team. Why should I? Why should anyone? But I have a rule. New city? Give me three consecutive seasons of 8-8 football. It’s not a winning season, but it at least shows me that ownership is serious and does not have its head up its corporate ass. When I announced to my then girlfriend this rule as we moved in together, the Bengals still had Boomer Esiason and Anthony Munoz. The last Super Bowl was still fresh in people’s memories, and they’d just come off a playoff year. Even if the current roster dispersed, one could reasonably assume that the Bengals would rebuilt within five years. So I would have five years of sweet, sweet Browns football to enjoy. Right?

No. See, Paul Brown, the man who created both the Cleveland Browns and the Cincinnati Bengals, died just before I arrived here in 1991. Little did I know that his son Mike Brown would be a horrible owner.

Eventually, Brown’s daughter, Katie Blackburn, would begin taking over. She pushed Brown to hire Marvin Lewis. Lewis brought the team back from the grave after years of cellar-dwelling football. And it takes a special talent to deal with the likes of Chad Ochocinco or to get Chris Henry to settle down and play football.

So now I have calculus as to who I root for, all based on that history.

• I stick with the Bengals. I’ve been here 23 years, and anyway, I’m paying for the stadium. And now that they have Andy Dalton at quarterback, football is interesting again.
• I do not root for the Steelers. Ever. Except when they play the Ravens. It is the duty of every AFC North football fan outside of the Greater Baltimore area to root against the Ravens, but, now that Cleveland and Cincinnati have pro football once more, living in Ohio and rooting for the Steelers is similar to treason.
• Last year, I gave them special dispensation mainly because Ben Rothlisberger was having such an awful year, but I never ever EVER root for the Ravens. They stole my hometown team, and their former owner betrayed the late owner of my adopted team. Twice. Once in the 1960’s and once in 1994. That is unforgivable. (That said, the Baltimore Orioles were once the St. Louis Browns. If Baltimore would like the NBA to return to the city, I suggest renaming the LA Clippers to the LA Browns. Get crackin’, Mr. Ballmer.)
• There is one team I will pick the Ravens over: The Indianapolis Colts. Don’t get me wrong. I got nothing but mad love for Peyton Manning and was sorry to see him leave the city 90 minutes from my house. But Bob Irsay, the late owner of the Colts, didn’t just steal another city’s team, he sneaked them out in the middle of the night. So Bob Irsay is responsible for so much pain and suffering in both Cleveland and Baltimore. When Baltimore plays the Indianapolis Colts, I’m in a Joe Flacco kind of mood.

So there you have it. How my football calculus works. Which made watching Draft Day the other night fun.

And The Cleveland Browns Have Their First Win Of The Season

Jerry Sherk, used under Creative Commons

I’ll admit. I was an ass about Art Modell’s death last week. After all, this was a man who forced me, a man from Cleveland living in Cincinnati, to root for the Steelers for four years. (OK, Bengals owner Mike Brown deserves a share of the blame.) I said that Modell died because Satan had finished gnawing on the bones of late Colts owner Bob Irsay. Why pick on Irsay?

Because he did to Baltimore what Modell did to Cleveland: steal their football team.

I won’t get into the long story about how Art postponed giving up the crumbling slum he owned known as Municipal Stadium. I never resent Baltimore for taking the team. If any city deserved a new team, it was Baltimore. The Browns gave Cleveland a few months heads-up before moving out. The Colts left in the middle of the night. And Modell had to leave the teams records, name, and colors with Cleveland.

I do have to give Art Modell props, though. For decades, he was one of the NFL’s most admired owners. Modell was a driving force behind the NFL-AFL merger in 1970 and the NFL’s television empire. Ever wonder why some of those other leagues never caught on? You had the NFC on CBS, AFC on NBC, Monday Night Football on ABC, and no Fox, no ESPN, no TNT to show anything else. College football got whatever was left, and the NFL and NCAA were in cahoots to monopolize your eyeballs when it came to that flavor of football known as gridiron. You had to go north of the border to see any pro football worth mentioning outside the NFL. Art Modell was one of the owners who made that happen.

Before he pulled up stakes, the worst thing Modell did was fire Paul Brown, the team’s founding coach and the man for whom they were named. Cleveland’s loss was Cincinnati’s gain as Brown helped create the Cincinnati Bengals a few years later, still owned by the Brown family. Although Modell’s Browns never went to the Super Bowl, they came awfully close, like one Drive or one Fumble away from the big dance. Modell cultivated rivalries with the Bengals and the Pittsburgh Steelers (‘cuz Clevelanders deserve to dine on Parmanti Brothers big ass sandwiches while making fun of a team on its home turf. Pittsburgh and Cleveland are only two hours apart.) When the Ravens landed in Baltimore, Modell wisely kept them in the AFC Central, the the North with the new Browns and the former Central Division teams. Why? “They hate us. It’s a rivalry.” It was a brilliant bit of marketing.

So yes, I give the late Art Modell credit where credit is due.

But he still screwed the City of Cleveland.

MTM Monday: Bengals Football

It’s that time of year again.  The NFL season is upon us, and for the first time in many, many years (like before I lived in Cincinnati, which began in 1991), people here are actually optimistic.  Last season, the Bengals pulled it together and showed what they were really made of.  They also displayed some weaknesses, which have been addressed in the off-season.

Cincinnati Bengals

Last year, the Bengals could do no wrong for the first 3/4 of the season.  Former perennial suspect Chris Henry had his life turned around and was showing Coach Marvin Lewis why it was worth it to bring him back.  But a broken arm ended his season early.  Then Henry, affectionately known as “Slim” to his teammates, fell out of a pickup truck.  Doctors later suspected his behavior and his ability to withstand the fall might have been compromised by a concussion earlier in the season that was more serious than they originally thought.

Couple that with the death of the wife of Defensive Coordinator Mike Zimmer, and the wind went right out of the Bengals sails.  That much tragedy would have derailed the 1972 Dolphins or any of the 1970’s Steelers teams, if you want to be honest.

But Carson Palmer was back in form.  Chad Ochocinco found the dividing line between his antics and his playing.  Then there’s Cedric Benson, a one-time cast-off from the Chicago Bears out to prove himself.  Benson did prove himself, and the Bengals had something they haven’t had in almost two decades:  A running game.

In the off-season, the Bengals made a couple of risky moves.  To replace Henry, they hired an equally high-risk player who famously had trouble staying out of the backs of police cruiser, Adam “Pac Man” Jones.  Then they hired Ochocinco’s pal and fellow reality star, Terrell “TO” Owens.

Pac Man has been a non-entity off the field.  In fact, today, I’d forgotten he’d joined the team.  (See?  HBO needs to bring Hard Knocks back to Cincinnati.)  TO has taken up the spotlight, letting the players focus on being players.  So how’s that working?

Well, yesterday was the season opener against New England.  The Bengals decided not to show up for the first half.  Actually, that’s not fair.  One of the reasons the Patriots have lasted as long as they have is their defense.  They already figured out how to shut down Palmer, which is to cover Chad and TO.  But then came the second half, and the Bengals showed up.  They also showed that the Pats are not all that invincible these days.  But you don’t go into the second half down by 21 points and expect to win.  I don’t care if you’re playing the Cleveland Browns, the Raiders, or even Deer Park High School (whom I just watched nearly pull out an upset only to get stuffed in the final two minutes of their home opener.)  You just don’t.  Period.  You can be the Cleveland Browns of the 1960’s, Broadway Joe’s Jets, the 72 Dolphins, or even the current Patriots at their peak.  He who is down 21 points at the end of the first half loses the game.

That said, the Pats looked tired after the first half, and Palmer and Benson finally hit their stride.  He found TO, Chad, Pac Man, and a couple of rookies whose names escape me now.  Benson found his way up the middle.  And flags flew on both sides.  Penalties may be stupid, but that’s how you know the players actually give a damn that they’re on the field.

It’s good to get excited about football again.  It’s good to know we’re playing all the number ones in the AFC this season:  New England, San Diego, and Indianapolis.  And I almost feel sorry for the Ravens next week.

Almost.

They did, after all, steal my original team.

More at the My Town Monday blog.