Dear True Believers:
It appears your deep consternation this election season is based on some beliefs of yours that are wholly erroneous. Allow me to correct these for you:
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There is no Grand Liberal Conspiracy. There never was. Rush Limbaugh made it up.
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There is no homosexual agenda. (There is, however, a metrosexual agenda no one takes seriously.)
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Rush Limbaugh is not funny. Sean Hannity is not intelligent. Ann Coulter is not a patriot. And Glenn Beck takes himself less seriously than you do.
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Ronald Reagan raised taxes. Twice.
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Barack Obama is not a closet Muslim or a white separatist. Hillary Clinton is not a communist. And John McCain is not a liberal.
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The definition of “liberal,” unless your IQ is below that of a houseplant, is not “Does not agree with the Far Right completely and within microscopic tolerances.”
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You are not the entire Republican Party. The noise you guys make only makes it seem like it.
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The only real conservatives left in the country are PJ O’Rourke and William F. Buckley. And Buckley’s dead. The rest are just second-rate Archie Bunkers.
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The guy who wrote The Purpose-Driven Life is an Evangelical who believes in, or at least gives a fair hearing to, Darwin and the Big Bang because, dude, God’s just awesome enough to pull that off. He’s also a Democrat because, apparently, if you read those red letters in the New Testament, that’s WWJD.
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There was a War on Christmas once. However, the Emperor Constantine took care of that problem. So since 313 AD, there has not been nor is there a war on Christmas.
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There is no Easter Bunny.
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There is no Tooth Fairy.
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There is a Santa Claus, but the Naughty/Nice List is now handled in Bangalore, and the elves’ jobs have been outsourced to a Vietnamese sweat shop.*
Now that we have that all cleared up, you may crawl off in a corner somewhere and curl up in the fetal position.
Happy April Fool’s Day, fools,
The Most Aggravated Independent In The Nation
*Actually, I suspect most of you knew that about Santa, as do most other people, but someone might as well say it out loud.
“There is a Santa Claus, but the Naughty/Nice List is now handled in Bangalore, and the elves’ jobs have been outsourced to a Vietnamese sweat shop.”
…by Republicans.
Well THAT explains the sorry state of my Xmas stocking contents, lo these last couple of decades.
Beautiful, and all the better for being true 😉
What?! NO TOOTHFAIRY?! You mean I had 26 teeth pulled for no reason at all? Must have been all the Easter candy I ate. Wait till I catch that waskly wabbit.
There is a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy and I am it’s leader!
That reminds me, Jeff, can I borrow the VRWC’s van this weekend?
I promise not to let my girlfriend touch the guns.