[I’m not saying this happened where I work, because I NEVER blog about my day job. However, I’m saying this did happen. Probably today. And not far from Cincinnati’s Fountain Square, which I can see from my office window.]
(L)user: Jim, it’s Ben. About that nonstandard app you don’t support that you installed for me.
Me: What about it, Mr. Dover?
(L)user: Well, it doesn’t have all the features I wanted. Could you come up and fix it for me?
Me: Well, Mr. Dover…
(L)user: Call me Ben.
Me: Middle name “Gay”?
Me: Sorry. Benji, when we installed this, we did so because you had a business case that warranted it. However, we also told you we can’t support it because it’s a non-standard application that really should not be on our network.
(L)user: But what about those features I wanted?
Me: Ben, I have a customer with a blown hard drive who needs to be back up and running or her department will lose a $100 thousand dollar contract. I have another user who’s been waiting for me to deliver a new laptop since last week, and he really can’t wait anymore now that I have the part he needs. And we have an Internet worm that’s wreaking havoc with most of our business units. So really, your non-standard app that you’re not supposed to be running on company machines is going to have to wait.
(L)user: So you’ll be right up, right?
Me: [Mutes phone] Why the f*** do I keep getting these motherf******s? Were his f***ing parents brother and sister or what!?!
Coworker: Calm down, Jim. Send him to The Master.
Me: [Smiling] The Master. [Said reverently. Unmutes phone.] Ben, I’m going to put our top guy on it. Okay?
(L)user: Thanks, Jim. Thanks a lot. I really appreciate this.
Me: [Transfers call.]
The Master: ‘Allo? [He’s from Ray Banks old stomping grounds, so he talks funny. I mean for a guy from Manchester.]
(L)user: Hi, this is Ben. Ben Dover.
The Master: Yeah, what the f*** do you want?
(L)user: You know that app you told me never to install?
The Master: Yeah?
(L)user: It doesn’t work.
The Master: Well, of course it doesn’t bloody work, you stupid git! You’re not supposed to be running it!
(L)user: [In full on nasally whine] But I can’t get all my features!!!!!!!
The Master: Okay, calm down there, Benny. Go to Start, then Run.
(L)user: [Typing noises] Okay. Now what?
The Master: Type “cmd”.
(L)user: Okay. Got it.
The Master: Hit enter. You should get a big black box with a blinking cursor. Got it?
(L)user: Yes. Will this get me my features?
The Master: Not yet. Type “Format C:”
The Master: Hit enter.
(L)user: Okay. Says it’s formatting IDE Device 0.
The Master: Good. Now go show your manager when it’s done and tell him it was your idea.
(L)user: Great! Thanks. I really appreciate this.
Another coworker: Hey, why was Ben Dover cleaning out his desk?
[True story from June 9, 2005, somewhat embellished. The Master no longer works for BigHugeCo. He is missed. – Jim]