Attention, North Carolina and Indiana…

Your primaries are on May 6.

May 6 is also the 42nd anniversary of the day I mooned the world (literally) after putting my mom through 36 hours of agonizing labor.

Now, My True Love has told me something about Marylin Monroe and “Happy Birthday” that day, and I’m looking forward to it.  But I want more.*  Citizens of Indiana and North Carolina, you can do it for me.  You can do it by saying no to another political dynasty.

Gimme two Obama victories that day.  That would make for a happy birthday for me.**

*A wide-screen for the family room hooked up to an HD satellite box, a Wii, and a PS/3 would be nice.
**I checked with the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.  Yes, I get to borrow the bus that weekend.  No, there will still be no unicorns under an Obama Administration, though Jeff Jena says a McCain Administration might look into it as a source of cheap meat.

Some Advice For The Candidates And Their Parties

1.)  Mitt Romney:  Never, never, NEVER try to sound black ever again.  In fact, try not to sound white, either.  You’re pretty lame at both.

2.)  Democratic National Committee:  Please fire the booger-eating moron who decided to boycott Michigan and Florida under the mistaken notion that this might punish those states for moving their primaries up, threatening those high-population, heavily diverse states Iowa and New Hampshire.   If that’s Howard Dean’s idea, the scream in 2000 should have been a hint something was wrong.  Heeeeeaaaaaawwww!!!!!

3.)  Bill Clinton:  Dude, shut the fuck up.  Seriously.  Shut the fuck up.

4.)  George W. Bush:  Since you’re not running, could you pretty please not start a war in Iran?  Your track record on that has me wondering when we’ll be bombing Cambodia again.

5.)  Rudy Giuliani:  Give it up, Rudy.  No one’s voted for you this early, and they’re not likely to start on Super Tuesday.

6.)  Mitt Romney:  I’m not kidding.  Never, ever try to sound black again.  Suggest you watch an episode of The Wire to understand why.

7.)  Bill Clinton:  I’m not kidding, dude.  Shut up.

UPDATE:  Wow, this hadn’t even posted yet, and Rudy’s already taking my advice.  So once again, Bill, shut up.  Mitt, you can’t sound black, so quit trying.