And In The Morning, I’m Makin’ Waffles!

So it’s Sunday morning at Chateau Nita. I’m up around 9 AM (because that’s about as late as I can sleep in these days), perusing a Stephen King novel when AJ and his friend come bounding out of his bedroom after a hard night of killing zombies and orcs on their respective computers. “We’ll be back,” says AJ. “We’re getting Adam’s waffle maker.”

Source: Dreamworks


They were gone before they answered. I went back to Stephen King’s tale of aliens creeping out the vampires in neighboring Salem’s Lot (because, let’s be honest, even the undead don’t go for that shit. That’s just creepy.) Twenty minutes later, they return with a waffle iron, a box of Bisquick, and a pound of bacon.

A minute later, AJ pokes his head in the living room. “How much bacon you want?”

I’d already eaten, but what the hell. It’s bacon. “I’ll take some.”

“Good. You’re making it.”

Wow. But whatever. I went in and was immediately instructed by Adam, AJ’s friend who has practically moved into the house since they both graduated high school, how to make the bacon. Sure, I’ve fried bacon before, but for this waffle breakfast, Adam told me to cut the bacon in half. It fries faster, and it’s easier to control how the bacon comes out. Damned if he wasn’t right. Adam was our head chef, poaching the eggs and making the waffles. AJ became the sous chef, making toast and plating the food. Me? I was the fry cook.

I did my Gordon Ramsay imitation for Adam. “Hey! Donkey! I asked you to boil water! You burned it! And these Hot Pockets are raw! Get out!”

Then AJ and I had to explain who Gordon Ramsay is. I suppose this is a good sign. An 18-year-old doesn’t know who a reality star is.

We had the bacon made, the waffles waffled, and all the food plated. I told AJ to take a plate into Nita’s room because she loves getting breakfast in bed.


God, he acts like he’s eighteen or something.

Nita was indeed touched.

It was good guy time for me and AJ (and of course, Adam.) I think that was the first time we ever cooked together. There were times where we came in and helped Nita with breakfast or dinner, but this was almost spontaneous. One minute, they’re bounding out the door in search of Bisquick and bacon. The next we tearing the kitchen up and building the perfect feast.

The breakfast took me totally by surprise, but I’m pleased that it happened. AJ and I have not really had any real guy time together since I first married his mom. We used to get a half hour of Wii time in, but the Wii died. Plus I got more involved in school while he became more interested in marching band and a succession of girlfriends (the last two of whom we’ve treated like surrogate daughters.) It seems, though, now that AJ has to worry about things like college and job interviews and keeping gas in his car, we’ve been doing more things together. If anything, I’m now the one who slinks off to his room to hunker down with the computer. Nonetheless, we had fun. I hope we do it again soon.

How Bacon Can Save The World

In the Middle East, bacon is forbidden in many places due to dietary restrictions. Thus most people there have not eaten bacon. Should the clerics and rabbis lift the ban on bacon, peace will come to the Middle East.

Most wars America, Europe, and Russia fight are with people who do not eat bacon. Bacon keeps the superpowers at bay.

If Hillary Clinton took bacon to Pyongyang, North Korea would freely join the brotherhood of nations.

Americans eat bacon. Canadians eat Canadian bacon. You can get the American kind all over Canada, even at Tim Horton’s. You can get Canadian bacon on your pizza or at McD’s in the US. The US and Canada have not been at war since 1812.

Bacon makes people happy. Happy people do not fly airplanes into buildings and only blow stuff up when their favorite team wins. (See Lexington, KY; Detroit; Manchester, UK.)

Bacon! The path to world peace!

Mike Nelson Is Insane!

Michael J. Nelson, the brains behind RiffTrax and one of the minds behind the Greatest Television Show Ever Aired (TM), Mystery Science Theater 3000, has embarked on a project for the month of February.

Nay, he has embarked on a mission.  A quest!

[F]or the entire month of February, 2009, I, Michael J. Nelson will eat nothing but bacon. Nothing, my friends, but bacon.

San Diego area cardiologists are standing by.

And this cat is very, very nervous now.


John Scalzi

Thanks to John Scalzi for the heads up.