Boehner Gets It Right

I pick on John Boehner a lot, mainly because he’s an unwitting comedian.  Much of what he says usually leaves people laughing – not his intention – or just scratching their heads.

However, John does get it right occasionally.  He does, after all, want to keep his job.  For instance, should he get Nancy Pelosi’s job, he wants to make bills short enough to, yanno, let people actually read them.  I have to give him that one.

And then there’s the case of the idiot in Florida who wants to make sure Americans are killed by enraged terrorists torch a pile of Korans.  Terry Jones is a man whose mother should have been pro-choice, but that’s not stopping Terry.  (Note:  the Terry Jones of Monty Python fame should sue this bastard for soiling his name the same way Dick Cheney wipes his ass with the Constitution.)  John’s opinion?

“Just because you have a right to do something in America doesn’t mean it is the right thing to do.”

Yeah.  One of the right’s highest profile leaders said that.

It’s not only the smartest thing I’ve heard John Boehner say; it’s the smartest thing I’ve heard anyone say in a while.

Proof He’s Not Just Stupid But Racist Too!

John Boehner (R-Tanning Booth on the Right) wants hearings to repeal the 14th Amendment if it will curb illegal immigration.  Let’s take a look at what Johnny Boy wants yanked from the Constitution.

Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

Section 2. Representatives shall be apportioned among the several States according to their respective numbers, counting the whole number of persons in each State, excluding Indians not taxed. But when the right to vote at any election for the choice of electors for President and Vice President of the United States, Representatives in Congress, the Executive and Judicial officers of a State, or the members of the Legislature thereof, is denied to any of the male inhabitants of such State, being twenty-one years of age, and citizens of the United States, or in any way abridged, except for participation in rebellion, or other crime, the basis of representation therein shall be reduced in the proportion which the number of such male citizens shall bear to the whole number of male citizens twenty-one years of age in such State.

Section 3. No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any State legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any State, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may, by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability.

Section 4. The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payment of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned. But neither the United States nor any State shall assume or pay any debt or obligation incurred in aid of insurrection or rebellion against the United States, or any claim for the loss or emancipation of any slave; but all such debts, obligations and claims shall be held illegal and void.

Section 5. The Congress shall have power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article.

Wanna know why they passed this amendment?  Because you had a large population of people who only recently had been considered property and, for census purposes, “two-thirds of a person.”  So while Mr. Boehner says it’s about illegal immigration, what he really wants is for the states, who are the most incompetent of political entities, not to have to enforce that pesky Bill of Rights.

Mr. Boehner, you are not just a racist; you come dangerously close to being a traitor to your country.  Do the nation a favor and move to Costa Rica with Rush.

Once Again, Boehner Entertains

Speaking of BP, John Boehner wants you to know he’s on top of the oil spill situation.  Unlike President Obama or even fellow Republican Bobby Jindahl, Boehner (R-First Unlicked Window on the Right) hasn’t been wasting his time sunning himself in Louisiana.  After all, God made orange spray-on tans and tanning booths for a reason.  No, John goes right to the heart of the matter.

“I think the people responsible in the oil spill–BP and the federal government–should take full responsibility for what’s happening there,”

In short, it’s not just BP’s fault that they took dangerous shortcuts on safety precautions that would have prevented this.  Oh, no.  John, normally a deficit hound, wants the government to pay for it.

You know, the government you and I pay for with our taxes.

Because, after all, if we hadn’t wasted a year debating things like – Oh, I dunno.  The economy?  Healthcare?  Trivial stuff like that – BP would never have blown a gas well and wrecked the Gulf Coast for years to come.

Never mind that John is part of that same federal government he wants to pay for BP’s mess.

And never mind that this was not a government operation, the type John loves to say never works.

I think a little less spray-on tan is in order, John.  Those fumes are going straight to your head.

Once Again, The Distinguished Gentleman From West Chester Strikes Comedy Gold

I’ve been disappointed in House Minority Leader John Boehner (R – Last Tanning Booth On Right).  I started a feature called “John’s Little Comments” to showcase some of his more moronic statements, like criticizing Barack Obama for trying to bring the Olympics in Chicago (which, last I checked, was located in the United States of America, which Mr. Obama is tasked with managing until at least January, 2013, possibly beyond.)

But when I started the new feature, John decided to keep his comments in the Not-Quite-So-Spectacularly-Stupid category.  Some of them were even mildly intelligent, though one can’t help noticing Senator Mitch McConnell’s clear unease standing next to him during trips to the White House for the President’s meetings with the loyal opposition.

Ah, but John’s come back strong, thanks to Sir Paul McCartney.  See, Sir Paul didn’t like George Bush.  Understandable.  A lot of people didn’t.  George is cool with that.  He’ll probably make a good ex-President for some of his comments since going home to Texas.  Hell, George even makes fun of himself, a lesson Nixon should have learned.  But then if he had that kind of chutzpah, we might not have had Watergate, and Jerry Ford and Jimmy Carter might not have been saddled with the mess they were left.  I digress.

While George W. Bush may be letting the slings and arrows bounce off him, even advising his successor on how to keep the job from getting to him, John “SPF 0.04” Boehner is not.  So when Sir Paul kids that it’s good that America now has a President “who knows what a library is,” John is righteously indignant.

“Like millions of other Americans, I have always had a good impression of Paul McCartney and thought of him as a classy guy, but I was surprised and disappointed by the lack of grace and respect he displayed at the White House.  I hope he’ll apologize to the American people for his conduct which demeaned him, the White House and President Obama.”

Gee, John, does that mean you’ll apologize for a lot of the blatant bullshit that’s come out of your mouth since January?  (And before?)  Or how about that time you handed out lobbyist checks on the floor of the House during a session?

Like The Good Book says, Mr. Boehner, remove the log from your eye before you reach for the splinter in someone else’s.  Mr. McCartney owes you an apology about as much as he owes you a cut from his ex-wife’s settlement.

Which is to say he owes you nothing.

But keep talking, John.  It’s quite entertaining.

In a Distorted View sort of way.

New Feature: John’s Little Comments

One of the more entertaining aspects of living in Cincinnati is John Boehner.  John is the House Minority Leader and on a mission from God to wipe away all of Glenn Beck’s tears and keep Rush Limbaugh swimming in Viagra.  But did you know he’s also a local Congressman?

Yes, along with Jean Schmidt, who’s managed not to accuse  any decorated war veterans of cowardice this term, John Boehner (R – Tanning Booth On Right) is part of Cincinnati’s congressional caucus.  And since President Obama has been inaugurated, John’s either worked up an entertaining standup routine or has become completely incapable of uttering a single logical thought whenever the president so much as sneezes.   Everything is a crisis with John.

For starters, John started the rumor that Obama’s healthcare plan would kill grandma.  His alternative to the big honkin’ budget the Democrats passed was a slender little book that offered a smaller budget.  So small it had no numbers.  (Um…  John?  Considering budgets deal with, yanno, money, they have to have numbers.)

But hey, far be it from me to cut down our local celebrity.  John Boehner has done more to bring the spay-on tanning business out of the recession than any part of the stimulus package.  We should honor him.

So this week, I am beginning a new feature:  John’s Little Comments.  Now everyone can share the comedy magic of Cincinnati’s tannest Congressman.

This week, John gives President Obama a civics lesson.

Listen I think it’s a great idea to promote Chicago but he’s the president of the United States, not the mayor of Chicago.

No kidding.  Personally, I’d have thought Air Force One would have been a hint.  But John, if Cincinnati had been a finalist, would you have said that?  I think the Butler County Chamber of Commerce might have waved you off if you had.  By the way, John, what country is Chicago a part of?  If you said “Illinois,” Johnny, you are not smarter than a fifth grader.

Stop by next week for another of John’s Little Comments.  You know he’ll have one.  He lives for it.

That and tanning.