- How many members of Congress does it take to balance a checkbook?
- President Obama is sworn in for a second term, which marks the beginning of the 2016 campaign season.
- Pope Benedict announces his retirement. And Anakin turns away from the Dark Side.
- North Korea detonates a third nuclear “bomb.”
- Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, dies. Secretary of State John Kerry, when told of the rock star dictator’s death, said, “Who?”
- The Vatican elects Pope Francis to succeed the outgoing Pope Benedict. The election marks a significant change in Catholic policy as they Cardinals chose to elect an actual Christian for the first time since 1978.
- Pope Emeritus Benedict signs up for ChristianMingle.com.
- North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un threatens South Korea and Japan with nuclear war. On an unrelated note, the Japanese government expresses it’s approval of the two demo units delivered by the US in 1945 and ask if they can get those mounted on cruise missiles that will reach, say, Pyongyang?
- Two college students bomb the Boston Marathon. The marathoners’ response? Finish the race.
- Minnesota, Delaware, and Rhode Island legalize gay marriage. Glenn Beck cries.
- The Supreme Court says the Federal government cannot ban gay marriage. Glenn Beck cries.
- Millions of Americans are shocked to learn that the NSA, a government agency tasked with spying on pretty much everyone, has been spying on pretty much everyone.
- The Egyptian military takes President Mohammed Morsi’s red Swingline stapler away and has him move his desk to the basement next to Hosni Mubarak’s.
- George Zimmerman is found not guilty of the murder of Trayvon Martin. However, he is found to be pretty much a douchebag.
- Princess Kate gives birth to Prince George, now third in line to the British throne.
- Edward Snowden, who blew the whistle on the NSA, gains asylum from the freest, most democratic and transparent country in the world: Russia.
- Mobster Whitey Bulger is convicted of racketeering. No, he will not be allowed to share a cell with Paul Sorvino and Ray Liotta.
- Breaking Bad ends. No, I’m not allowed to post spoilers.
- New Jersey legalizes same-sex marriage, kicks Glenn Beck in the balls, makes him… You know.
- Obamacare has encountered an error and needs to be restarted.
- Phillipines is flattened by Katrina’s bigger, badder, bitchier sister.
- Iran agrees not to build nukes, for now, at least. Isreali Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu still isn’t happy.
- George Zimmerman is arrested for assault and attempted murder. 12 of his peers were heard saying “D’Oh!”
- Nelson Mandela dies. The world got a little colder.
- Many people want to kill their relatives during the holidays. Kim Jong Un actually does it. Legally.