The Year In Review

2012 was not the suckfest most of the past decade has been. The economy got a little better. There were no Category 5 storms sinking Gulf Coast cities. Nobody blew up an oil well. Nobody slammed jetliners into buildings. Most importantly, the world didn’t end. There were some dark moments. We’re still trying to understand what happened in Sandy Hook.

For the most part, though, we spent 2012 nursing the hangover we’ve had since the 2000’s. Maybe we’ll be feeling better by 2020. Maybe.

January

  • The Iowa Caucuses and New Hampshire Primary kick off the presidential election season. It’s Mitt Romney vs. a cast of characters who make the Jersey Shore cast look like Rhodes Scholars.
  • The Arab Parliament tells Syrian leader Bashar el-Assad he’s on his own. Seriously, how big a douchbag do you have to be when a group that includes several repressive regimes tells you, “Dude, that’s just not cool”?
  • The captain of the Italian cruise ship Costa Concordia manages to beach his ship, tip it on its side, then says, “Screw this! I’m out of here.” Guess someone didn’t tell him the captain of the Titanic went down with his ship.

February

  • Mitt Romney is down to three opponents: Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, and, inexplicably, Rick Santorum.
  • Whitney Houston dies.
  • The gay marriage ban in California is struck down. When asked about it, Coolest Gay Man in America George Takei says, “Oh, myyyy…”
  • Greeks riot when they realize their government spent all their money on strippers, blow, and M&M’s.
  • The Giants win the Super Bowl! The Giants win the Super Bowl! The Giants win the Super Bowl!

March

  • Vladimir Putin “wins” the Russian presidency.

April

  • Several Secret Service agents are fired for hiring hookers while in Colombia. Never mind that hookers are legal in Colombia.
  • North Korea threatens to launch a missile unless leader Kim Jong-Un is paid… One hundred billion dollars!
  • Tornadoes rip through Dallas-Ft. Worth because God is angry about Rick Perry’s presidential bid.

May

  • Barack Obama declares his support for gay marriage.
  • Facebook goes public. Stock tanks.

June

  • Former Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak is sentenced to life in a pound-me-in-the-ass facility outside of Cairo.

July

  • Scientists discover the so-called “God particle.” It was in Sheldon Cooper’s spot.
  • Twelve people killed in a Colorado Theater by a guy who thought he was The Joker.

August

  • Syria erupts into a full-blown civil war.
  • Mitt Romney chooses Paul Ryan as his running mate. The choice makes Romney look so life-like.
  • The rover Curiosity lands on Mars, accidentally crushing Marvin Martian’s illudium PU-32 explosive space modulator in the process.

September

  • US consulate in Benghazi, Libya is attacked. Ambassador Christopher Stevens is killed, the first US ambassador in decades to be killed in decades.

October

  • If you live in a swing state, it pretty much sucks to turn on the television all this month.
  • Former Penn State assistant coach and serial teen rapist Jerry Sandusky is sentenced to pretty much die in prison.
  • Hurricane Sandy becomes a mutant superstorm and wreaks havoc on the East Coast. Happy Halloween, New York.
  • Felix Baumgartner jumps out of a perfectly good helium balloon. 24 miles up.

November

  • Barack Obama wins reelection. Mitt Romney has a temper tantrum. Paul Ryan polishes his Ryan ’16 signs. You know, it’s a sad day when a rich white man just can’t win the presidency.
  • The last Twilight movie is released. At last, our long national nightmare is over.
  • Hamas fires rockets at Isreal from Gaza. Isreal fires a lot more back. Same ol’ story. Same ol’ song and dance.
  • Egyptian president Mohamed Morsi declares himself Lord High Grand Poobah of Egypt in spite of no such office existing. This does not go over well, and Hosni Mubarak is told to prepare for a cell mate. Just sayin’, authorities tell him.
  • No more Twinkies? Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

December

  • A deranged man shoots up an elementary school in Sandy Hook, Connecticut before turning the gun on himself. 26 people, most of them small children, are dead.
  • December 21: The world did not end.
  • America is still not Greece. At least we can say that.
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