For every holiday classic, there are at least a dozen turkeys that were either never filmed or the copies were all destroyed. Much to the chagrin of George Lucas, The Star Wars Holiday Special still makes rounds at Comic-Cons this time of year. And just the very thought of the Ayn Rand Christmas special, even as a joke, makes me shudder. Here now are some holiday specials that were nixed or, at the very least, dumped in a vault behind copies of Song of the South or stored at Area 51 near that stuff they got into trouble for burning back in the 1990’s. (Yeah, only in America can an airbase “not exist” and still get its ass handed to it by the EPA. That’s another blog post.)
- Glenn Beck’s Black Helicopter Christmas: The pudgy, paranoid former Fox commentator compares Santa to Hitler, accuses the elves of communism, and cries.
- A Very Twilight Yuletide: Edward and Bella completely miss the meaning of Christmas because they’re too busy staring down werewolves.
- Spinal Tap’s Christmas With the Devil: This one was almost a go until producers realized that Ozzy Osbourne wasn’t available to play Old Scratch. Also, the drummer died during production.
- Bono’s Christmas in Africa: The U2 singer’s special bugged network execs. He didn’t mean to bug them. Edge plays the blues.
- The Manson Family Christmas: The failure of this one is self-explanatory.
- Tim Burton’s Santa Claus Is Coming to Town: Johnny Depp plays a young Saint Nick as he is starting out. Unfortunately, unlike the original Rankin-Bass special, this remake suffered from Burton’s bleak, washed-out imagery.
- It’s the Great Recession, Charlie Brown!: Broke, Charlie Brown is forced to take a job as a Walmart greeter to pay for Christmas presents. Marcy and Peppermint Patty come out of the closet. Originally slated for December, 2008, network executives balked. Too soon, they said.