Here are a few gifts I’d like to give in lieu of the lumps of coal these people really deserve.
Glenn Beck – a ride in one of those black helicopters he likes to chase. And I’d like his ride to end while the helicopter is at 2000 feet over jagged rocks.
The Kardashians – retirement. Yes, I know they don’t really do anything. I’d just like them to do it off camera and off TMZ.
The parents on Toddlers and Tiaras – foster parents who won’t torture their kids the way they do every week.
Jerry Sandusky – Astroglide. His cellmate Bubba is lonely.
Steve Ballmer – An iPod
Michael Lohan – A clue
Maury Povic – A DNA test
Rush Limbaugh – A one-way ticket to Costa Rica. (Didn’t think I remembered that, did you, Rush?)
Donald Trump – A year’s membership to The Hair Club for Men