In Lieu Of Lumps Of Coal…

Here are a few gifts I’d like to give in lieu of the lumps of coal these people really deserve.

Glenn Beck – a ride in one of those black helicopters he likes to chase. And I’d like his ride to end while the helicopter is at 2000 feet over jagged rocks.

The Kardashians – retirement. Yes, I know they don’t really do anything. I’d just like them to do it off camera and off TMZ.

The parents on Toddlers and Tiaras – foster parents who won’t torture their kids the way they do every week.

Jerry Sandusky – Astroglide. His cellmate Bubba is lonely.

Steve Ballmer – An iPod

Michael Lohan – A clue

Maury Povic – A DNA test

Rush Limbaugh – A one-way ticket to Costa Rica. (Didn’t think I remembered that, did you, Rush?)

Donald Trump – A year’s membership to The Hair Club for Men