Because New Year’s Day fell during the weekend this year, Monday is sort of an extra New Year’s Day. As such, today is the day I’ve chosen to announce my predictions for this, the final year of humanity.*
January – President Obama herniates himself from laughing too hard at the dwindling GOP field. By the end of the month, Sean Hannity has all three remaining candidates on his show where he turns off their mics and says, “Seriously, guys, you’re making us look bad.”
February – Tiger Woods goes on a date. Golf reporters, having gone at least six months without beating their chests that their important contributions to journalism are being ignored, hog air time on ESPN and Fox Sports bleating about how Tiger has no shame.
March – Charlie Sheen is fired from his role in the new sitcom Anger Management. YouTube rants about winning and tiger blood follow, along with an embarrassing spoken word tour.
April – Mitt Romney is the sole remaining candidate for the GOP nomination. Ann Coulter complains that the Republican Party will be represented by an Islamofascist masquerading as a Mormon.
May – The new season of Survivor introduces a new twist to Tribal Council: Instead of getting voted off the island, the person voted out is simply eaten by the week’s winning tribe.
June – Chad Ochocinco is traded to the Virginia Destroyers of the United Football League. His agent, Drew Rosenhaus, professes no prior knowledge that such a league existed.
July – The Cincinnati Reds and the Detroit Tigers have the best records in the National and American Leagues respectively while the Yankees and the Red Sox are playing .500 ball. The entire sportscasting team on ESPN declares that baseball is a dying sport.
August – Beiber fever subsides. Which doesn’t bother the pint-sized teen idol. He’ll get to do something before graduating high school that his classmates will have to wait 40 years to do: retire.
September – Obama and Romney debate. CBS opts to preempt their coverage for very special episodes of The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother.
October – The Oakland A’s win the World Series against the St. Louis Cardinals. ESPN sportscasters, furious that neither the Yankees nor the Red Sox made the playoffs, declare it to be the worst. World Series. Evah.
November – Obama is relected following one of the most boring presidential races in recent memory. Romney vows to kick Hillary Clinton’s ass in 2012. He is then sent on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney. We’ll just leave it at that.
December – Turns out the Mayans were right. Survivors make the best of it by ringing in 2013 by serving their neighbors as hors d’oerves to the roving bands of zombie cannibals.
*Seriously, if you’re still clinging to that idiotic myth, seek professional help. ‘Kay?