Holy Crap! It’s Election Year Already?

Wow. The hangovers have barely worn off, and Iowa and New Hampshire plunge us directly into the election fracas. This promises to be an obnoxious election year reminiscent of 2004. John Kerry’s platform was “Bush sucks.” How’d that work for you, Johnny? This year, the Republican platform is “Obama sucks.” I expect them to be just as successful.

But hey, some of you have to pick one of these clowns to run against Obama. And you’re either doing it today or tomorrow, so let’s look at the menu and see what’s on it.

Jon Huntsman

Who? Actually, what little I’ve heard of the guy makes him sound like someone independents can get behind and doesn’t so offend Democrats that they’d occupy his hometown until he drops out of the race. In short, he doesn’t stand a chance of winning the nomination for a party so stupidly rigid in its ideology that even the North Korean government thinks GOP has got a massively long stick up its collective ass. Too bad. We need more Huntsmans and fewer… these other guys. Plus he got this resounding endorsement from an odd corner.

Rick Santorum

Seriously? This idiot wants to be president? I’d sooner vote for Donald Trump. And I’d move to Iran before I’d vote for Trump. There are some people I wish would stop being white because they make me look bad. Rick Santorum is one of them. The thing that gets me is people who rally around guys like Santorum forget that, at some point, this guy has to win the general election. You know, the one everybody has to vote in. So if you’re a Republican, but you love Obama, vote Rick Santorum. Or Jon Huntsman if you’d prefer not to hold your nose in the voting booth.

Michele Bachmann

One of the things I require from my president is to have actually read the Constitution. I have. So when Bachmann says things like the Census is not constitutional or starts making comments about arresting people who criticize America (Remember Joe McCarthy?), my blood pressure starts to rise. Worse, she is a tax attorney. Tax attorneys get paid to screw the government (and consequently, every tax payer who is not their client), thus contributing to the deficit she claims she wants to bring down. Sunday morning, she was touting her foreign policy experience to Chris Wallace. My wife, who leans further to the right than I do, said, “See, she’s been to Alaska and could see Russia from there.” On that note, Obama should tap me to replace Hillary when she steps down. After all, I’ve been to Toronto, and as a child, I rocked out to CKLW out of Windsor, Ontario.

Ron Paul

Look, I think in any discussion about the deficit, Ron Paul should be in the room. He shouldn’t be the only guy in the room or get the last word, but he should be in the room. But his interpretation of the Constitution starts to wear thin when he contradicts those flaming liberals, Washington and Jefferson. But even that’s open for debate. I have two bigger problems with Ron Paul. Paul’s newsletter once had racist columns in it, and his son, Rand Paul, has made some comments that make me question his own attitudes on race. So they’re not exactly people I want running the country when I have to wonder if certain coworkers, friends, and clients might have to worry that their president is gunning for them. My second problem is his followers. They love Ron Paul and want you to love him, too. That never works.

Newt Gingrich

Newt disappointed me long before his presidential run. In 1994, one of the things the Contract with America promised was Congressional term limits. Never happened. He also famously had a meltdown on Air Force One while flying to Isreal with President Clinton to Yitzak Rabin’s funeral. The thing is I respect Statesman Gingrich. But then Candidate Gingrich opens his mouth, and I remember what this guy’s fatal flaw is: The biggest ego in politics.

Rick Perry

We don’t have a good track record with presidents from Texas. After Ike, it just kinda went downhill with Johnson and George W. Bush. Perry doesn’t exactly promise any improvement. He can’t remember exactly how he’d reduce the cabinet. His campaign ads all look like he’s modeling for Ralph Lauren and make me think I can smell Aramis in the air. (That stuff makes me sneeze.) Plus, let’s be honest, do you really want a president who once threatened secession? Last time that happened, it didn’t end well. And Texas was one of the states that didn’t get a happy ending.

Mitt Romney

The likely nominee. Someone described him as the one you take to the prom, safe and inoffensive. In 2004, his candidacy made him look like a buffoon with the infamous “Who let the dogs out” incident, a piss poor attempt to reach out to black voters. Romney is the least ideologically rigid candidate, which is what I want. I don’t want some party base’s president. (Note to Democrats: You need to quit whining when you yourselves pull this off. No one likes your politics, either.) Mitt has managed to keep the gaffes to a minimum, though some spectacular ones have gotten through. The $10,000 bet with Perry and his son’s joke about Obama’s birth certificate come to mind. (Actually, Obama thought that last one was funny.)

This year reminds me of the 1976 field of Democrats, with Mitt Romney as the Jimmy Carter figure. Romney, only one of two governors running, is probably thinking “I have to win. There’s no way I can let one of these idiots run the country.”