For the last few weeks on Twitter, I’ve been posting edicts once a day about my plans for #wheniamtheeviloverlord. This stems from an email that still periodically makes rounds explaining what the author would do when they were the evil overlord. Many of his comments seem directed at either Bond villain Ernst Stavro Blofeld or at Emperor Palpatine. Various versions contained such nuggets as “My crack troops will be required to take daily target practice and be able to shoot a fly off a beer can at 200 yards” and “As a matter of fact, death is NOT too good for the hero.”
So what would I do if I were the evil overlord?
Well, what makes evil overlords evil? For starters, they’re generally genocidal bastards. In fact, even in real life, they give genocide a bad name. Really. Who gets slaughtered in these campaigns? It’s almost based on birth or geography. No one can control their birth, or my entire family would be named Rothschild. As for geography, that’s generally a matter of circumstance. Do you think anyone really wanted to be Hitler or Stalin’s neighbor? These are both stupid reasons to off large groups of people. They did nothing to earn it.
As evil overlord, I would make my victims earn it. Those telemarketers who think the Do Not Call List is a polite suggestion? That becomes a capital offense under my regime. Also on the list, any record company executive who believes piracy gives him or her the right to look at your hard drive or put spyware on your machine. Homie don’t play that, and after my Legions of Doom have their way, neither will they.
But I don’t want to be the evil overlord just to kill anyone I want. In fact, that can backfire. Let’s just stop at the cast of Jersey Shore and hand me the Nobel Peace Prize for my trouble. (Bullets are expensive, and I’m doing this for my minions.) I may be evil, but it’s only because I would have an overdeveloped sense of self-worth. That’s tough to manage.
When I am the evil overlord, the Screaming Divas – Whitney, Mariah, and Celine – will have to stop. Just stop. No comebacks. No Vegas shows. Just stop.
When I am the evil overlord, no one from the upper East Coast will be allowed to be a sportscaster on ESPN or Fox Sports.
And Jim Rome will be required to apologize to my wife.
Even if he doesn’t remember why.
When I am the evil overlord, the local classic rock station’s program director will be required to listen to the rest of Elton John’s and Bob Seger’s catalog. Yes, dumbass, both men recorded more than three songs, and you may have to die for ruining “Down on Main Street” and “Goodbye, Norma Jean” for everyone else.
When I am the evil overlord, it will be legal to run the idiot driving 40 mph in the fast lane off the road. And said idiot will be required to pay for the damage to your car. In fact, you will be required to run them off the road. I have spoken!!!
When I am the evil overlord, Oxford commas will be mandatory on pain of death.
When I am the evil overlord, Roger Ailes’ job at Fox News will involve a mop, a bucket on wheels, and a plunger.
When I am the evil overlord, Dennis Miller will be required to be funny again.
When I am the evil overlord, Lorne Michaels will retire from Saturday Night Live. Or else.
When I am the evil overlord, there will be a decade moratorium on vampire fiction. Hey, if Charlaine Harris is hanging it up with Sookie Stackhouse, there’s not really a point, is there?
When I am the evil overlord, Hollywood will be required to start coming up with original ideas again.
So what will you do when you’re the evil overlord? Tell us in the comments or tweet it to #wheniamtheeviloverlord