Darth Vader Vs. Voldemort – Or Which One Stopped Being A Wimp

They are two of the darkest characters in modern cinema – Darth Vader, the half-man, half-machine lord of the Sith who has some serious rage control issues; and Lord Voldemort, he of the snake-like visage who divided his soul into seven parts to dodge death. So who would win in a fight?

Darth Vader, hands down.

But let’s look at our two antagonists, shall we?

Both started out as mopey, whiny kids. Anakin Skywalker was an annoying little boy who became a self-centered teenager, then an arrogant young man who thought everyone was holding him back. Recipe for failure, right?

On the other hand, Voldie embraced his inner sociopath. He framed Hagrid, murdered Moaning Myrtle to increase his power and create his first horcrux, and thought nothing of slaughtering a baby.

So why is Voldemort such a dismal failure? And why would Vader be able to mop the floor with him, no matter how many horcruxes Snake Boy put pieces of his soul into?

Well, put simply, Vader is not a sociopath. Vader is righteously angry. And he’s biding his time. About five seconds after getting his ass handed to him by Obi-wan Kenobi, it occurs to Vader he’s on the wrong side. His wife is likely dead. His best friend has become his enemy. And he realizes he’s just backed the wrong team. His only hope?

Hey, part of a Sith Lord’s job description is to rise up and strike down his master in anger. He’s got time.  Apparently, the Empire’s healthcare is second to none, even the Federation from Star Trek.

Voldie? Well, Voldie got stupid. His whole focus is living forever. Vader is not scared of dying. One suspects he’d just choke the living shit out of the Grim Reaper (which would make for a great Family Guy episode when you think about it.) Voldie? Voldie is obsessed with his damned horcruxes and a baby boy who, if he’d have minded his own business, would have been no threat to him. But no, Voldemort then spent the next couple of decades getting his ass handed to him by kids. That’s right. People younger than Justin Beiber are constantly making a mockery of Lord Voldermort, including flaunting the whole He Who Must Not Be Named (TM) rule. Voldie is so narcissistic that it’s not hard to imagine a muggle killing him with a blow to the head in a simple mugging. Vader? Not even sporting his bad-ass mask yet, Vader slaughters all the Jedi younglings.

Vader even manages to disembody (but not truly kill) Obi-wan, his mortal nemesis. Voldemort gets a serious ass-kicking from a baby! The result? Voldermort is a stunted, disembodied shell of a wizard, and he’s made said baby twice as powerful as he already was. And when he (spoiler alert!) kills Harry Potter? Well, he didn’t really kill him, did he? He killed the horcrux he accidentally made of Potter.

Ah, the ending tells all. Vader’s ultimate nemesis is the Emperor. When Vader realizes his son is a Jedi, he has two plans – Let Luke turn him from the Dark Side – which would give the Emperor a really bad day – or make Luke the next Sith Lord, which means Palpatine’s gotta go. So when the Emperor is doing that stupid trick where he rubs his shoes against the floor and zaps Luke with megawatts of electricity, Vader says “Screw it” and pretty much ends his own life by ending the cackling freak’s. Vader’s not one for dramatics. He just tosses the bastard over a ledge and lets the Death Star’s reactor core do the rest.

Voldie? Manages to kill himself by trying to kill Harry Potter. Again! This guy couldn’t boil water without burning it. One suspects if put into Gordon Ramsay’s kitchen, Voldemort would curl up into the fetal position and wet himself the moment Gordo yelled “Hey, donkey! Piss off!”

Vader, on the other hand, is a very stressed out man who has achieved personal nirvana by using the Force to make deserving Imperial schmucks’ necks his own personal stress ball.

And really, wouldn’t we all like to do that?

In short, Vader is a bad ass. Voldermort is a pussy.