I Understand Jimmy Hoffa Went Into Witness Protection There As Well

A new book proposes that Josef Stalin was playing a prank on the US when a strange craft crashed in Roswell, New Mexico after World War II. Because we all know that there’s nothing a man who slaughtered millions loves better than a good prank. I understand Hitler put a whoopie cushion on Neville Chamberlain’s seat during conferences over Czechoslovakia.

The current theory is no less bizarre than ones that have come before. An author claims that Stalin sent an experimental spacecraft into US airspace with malformed children created by Nazi war criminal Josef Mengele to spark mass hysteria in America. The article then continually refers to the area around Roswell as “Area 51.”

I always thought that the Roswell incident was nothing more than the Army trying to avoid admitting that a captured V2 rocket went off course, and the initial reports of aliens landing in a field were designed to hide the fact that our armed forces accidentally bombed sheep – God-fearing, patriotic American sheep. Because they did an about face and said “weather balloon,” the story just sort of took on a life of its own.

Area 51, on the other hand, is quite real. It’s where the Stealth bomber and those bat-wing fighters that put Saddam out of a job were tested. The government is so insistent that no one sees what’s going on there – really a troublesome idea for a free and open society – that the security company guarding it is authorized to use lethal force to keep people out.

Some genius at the CIA came up with the brilliant idea of tying it to Roswell to keep the Russians out. Is it any wonder the government’s cred is in tatters? We take our most secret aircraft facility and secure it by making it Nevada’s second biggest tourist attraction. Nice. While you’re at it, why not put the next raid on al Qaeda on C-SPAN, since we all know they never watch it?

I know my theory isn’t as glamorous or exciting as aliens and government conspiracies and cloak-and-dagger stuff. But I’ve met enough CIA types in my lifetime to know that they are neither Scully and Muldur chasing aliens nor are they James Bond (though bin-Laden seems to have been Blofeld right up to the end.) They’re overworked, underpaid civil servants who are often at the mercy of the political needs of their bosses.

I’m pretty sure some of them wish there were aliens at Roswell. It would make life a lot more interesting.