Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, chief flunky to Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khameni, thinks he knows why there are so many earthquakes lately.
“Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes.”
So let me get this straight. It’s not that the regular movement of tectonic plates seems to be striking dry land more lately than under the sea where we normally don’t notice it. It’s because women are showing off their tatas?
This is like letting Pat Robertson give a weather report. It leaves me with one question. Why does Sedighi fear tits?
I think Sedighi’s afraid of boobs. Why? Straight men love boobs. We love them. Round and bouncy. Yes, ladies, we know you hate it when we stare, but you know those twin orbs on your chest put us in your power. In the Western world, this is not a problem. We’re used to dealing with women as something more than cattle. Mr. Sedighi, on the other hand, wants the women in his country treated exactly like that. Why? He’s afraid. He fears the boob. Boobs make him weak, hypnotize him. They may make him do bad things.
But let us not blame boobage for the sins of magma. After all, boobs never sheered off the top mile or so of a mountain. Boobs don’t dump volcanic ash on half a dozen states and provinces.Boobs never shut down the air traffic in Europe. Boobs never flattened cities in California, though many in California would mind if Pamela Anderson tried. Boobs don’t cause tsunamis.
Instead, boobs give life. For many of us, boobs gave us our first breakfast. I know looking at my wife’s boobs prompts me to do things to them that make her happy. (Note: Don’t do things to women’s boobs without their permission. That does not make them happy. That only makes you an asshole. Like Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi.) Women like to sculpt their boobs. If they’re too big or too heavy, they get them reduced. If they’re too small, they make them bigger. The best boobs are boobs that make their owners happy. And when she’s happy, everyone’s happy.
Mr. Sedighi fears boobs. I love them. Let us not fear boobs. Let us give thanks and praise for them.
Boobs, a wondrous part of creation.