America’s New Years Resolution

I’ve had it.

America, you’ve let yourselves become pussified, and frankly, it’s pathetic.  Every time I turn around, some usually rational person is all upset and terrified because Evil Brown People made Glenn Beck cry.

Ladies and gentlemen, Glenn Beck is a black-helicopter-chasing, birther-loving wimp.  Rather than agreeing with him, we should lay in wait outside Fox News studios and ambush him for the mother of all wedgies.

Instead, people, you embrace fear.  “No jobs!  We’re spending too much money!  Terrorists!”

Nice going, America.  You let the terrorists win by swallowing the terror the way Megan Hauserman swallows millionaires’…

um…  champagne.

Frankly, people, you disgust me.

When the Depression kicked in, did the people demand Hoover or Roosevelt tuck them in and tell them the boogie man wasn’t under their beds?

Did Americans go hide in their bomb shelters when half the Pacific Fleet went up in flames?

When it became clear that McCarthy was more interested in being a playground bully than fighting any real enemy to freedom, did they pat him on the head and say thanks for keeping the bad men away?

Did Kennedy look at Gagarin’s flight and go, “We can’t go to the moon!  We’ll shoot Florida’s eye out!”


People pulled together in the Depression to get through the worst of it.

America hired housewives to rebuild the fleet while their hubbies went overseas to kick the boogie man’s ass.  Three boogie men’s asses, actually.

Edward R. Murrow called out McCarthy on his outright lies, and the old, power-mad lush promptly drank himself to death.  Good riddance.

Kennedy said to the Soviets, “That’s nice.  You went around the world in 90 minutes.  We’re going to the GODDAMNED FREAKIN’ SEA OF TRAN-FREAKIN-QUILITY.  Top that one, Boris!”  And when Kennedy got shot, LBJ said, “Screw that.  We’re still going.”

And how about that paragon of conservative virtue, Ronald Reagan?  What did he do when the Soviets started talking openly about when America would fall to communism?  He called them an Evil Empire.  Three grumpy old Bolsheviks promptly dropped dead after getting called out by a guy who got shot at point-blank range all because some nutjob had a woody for Jody Foster.

And then, when a new guy came in and said, “Yanno what?  Moscow needs an enema!”, Reagan said, “Cool.  Let’s talk.”

What’s missing?

The cold, stupid, mindless embrace of fear.  None of these guys embraced it.

So your homework assignment, America, for the dawn of the new decade is to grow a pair.


Fear = Death

Reject fear.

It’s tattooed on my arm.  It should be on yours, too.

4 thoughts on “America’s New Years Resolution

  1. You wrote: “America hired housewives to rebuild the fleet while their hubbies went overseas to kick the boogie man’s ass.”

    Good idea. Maybe the government should’ve considered hiring a few more people (to do whatever) before it provided welfare to corporations outsourcing American jobs.

    I must’ve missed it about the fear issue. What happened?

  2. My wife had/has a crush a Stringer …

    Goddamn good-looking thin guys.

    Wanna trade tattoos? Mine is the Bills logo? You wanna test fear, unsleave that babby in the new Moonachie Stadium (to be shared by two teams from New Jersey).

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