Best Of The Old Blog: So Bad, Jack Taylor Used Her To Replace Booze

[Originally posted to Northcoast Exile June 9, 2007 after blowing through the entire Jack Taylor series.]

As you know, I’ve been tearing through Ken Bruen‘s Jack Taylor series at a pretty good clip.  Recently, Ken shared with me this snatch of dialogue he wrote for the next Jack Taylor book, Paris, wherein our favorite non-drinking pub dweller and Father Malachy discover they share a common, and rather unhealthy, obsession.  With Ken’s permission, I’ve been allowed to post an early draft of the opening confessional scene.

[Jack has come to Galway Cathedral because something happened the previous night that has shaken him to his very soul and sworn him off Sky News and CNN, at least for the time being.  Poor guy had to order and stare at a six of Guiness to right himself.  He goes to an unlikely ally for help.]

JACK:  Bless me, Fr. Malachy, ya stupid git…


JACK:  Sorry.  ‘Tis an English term of affection, and me mother did think highly of you.

MALACHY:  Very well.  Go ahead.

JACK:  I’ve lost track of when my last confession was…

MALACHY:  You were probably drunk at the time.

JACK:  Watch it.

MALACHY:  Sorry.  Please continue.

JACK:  I have touched myself in…

MALACHY:  Hey, hey, HEY!  There are just some images I really don’t need to deal with.

JACK:  It was while thinking about Paris Hilton in prison.

MALACHY:  Well, that’s different.  We must examine this sin closely.  Please tell me more.  In detail.  What was this fantasy that caused you to sin much less than usual?  [A metallic noise emerges from Father Malachy’s side of the confessional.]

JACK:  Was that a zipper?

MALACHY:  We have rats.  Go ahead.  I’m listening.

[Jack proceeds to tell Fr. Malachy the rudest Paris-in-prison story ever imagined.  He ignores the grunts from Fr. Malachy during the steamier parts.  He finishes.]

MALACHY:  Well, my son, we all…  um…  Could I trouble you to get me a paper towel on your way out?

JACK:  Get it yer feckin self.  My pants got too tight just telling you that story.  Would it count if I confessed ahead of time?  I’m going to need to do that again now, then stare at a double of Jameson tonight.

MALACHY:  Yes, yes.  Say one Lord Bless the Pygmies and you may go.

JACK:  “Bless the Pygmies?”

MALACHY:  Pope Benedict is a huge Larry the Cable Guy fan.

JACK:  Very well.  Lord, I apologize for that.  Please be with the little pygmies in Africa.  Amen.

MALACHY:  Great.  You’re absolved.  Now get out of here.

JACK:  Brit!  [Slams door to confessional on way out.]

MALACHY:  Paris and Lindsey Lohan?  Oh, mama, I gotta do a homily on the evils of that.

[Note:  Ken really did ask me to blog this after I sent him an earlier version by email.  Yes, Paris confuses everyone in the Western world. ]