The Biggest Threat To Civilization As We Know It

Yesterday, I went into UDF (kinda like a 7-Eleven) to get a couple of sodas for me and the Mrs.  I stood in line a little longer than usual because I had to wait for the cashier to restock her change.  Why?  The customer before me bought $20 worth of stuff with a $100 bill.

He’s lucky he left before I got up to the counter.

Only three weeks before, I stood in line behind one of these morons, this one buying only a candy bar with his C note.  The cashier complained that he was taking all her change and he should be asking the bank for twenties.  He boasted that he always asked for hundreds because he can.  I called him a douchebag to his face.  He just snickered and walked away.  As with yesterday, I had to wait until the cashier could get change from the safe.

Which only dispenses change every fifteen minutes.

These are not the first times I dealt with these idiots.  And it’s always some jackass who thinks it’s necessary to flash a lot of money around.  I assume it’s because they’re too cheap to order a supply of Enzyte or ExtenZe.

So I have a question.  What possible reason is there for you to screw everyone else in the store over because you’re too stupid to ask for twenties?  What kind of crack do you smoke that makes flashing Benjamins around in a public place look like a terrific idea.  More importantly, what makes you think someone won’t eventually rob you?

I realize I live in a carry-and-conceal state, but I’ve found nine times out of ten, these idiots are not armed and half of them would soil themselves when shown a gun.  Robbing them would be very easy.  That barely gets you what $5 used to put in your gas tank.  Hundreds, on the other hand?

While I don’t encourage robbery, armed robbery, or felonious assault, I do encourage some well-justified rudeness.  From now on, we, as a society, should…

  • Feel free to call the hundred-wielding offender in line in front of us every name in the book.
  • Physically pull the person out of line and make him or her wait until everyone else in line has paid for their purchases.
  • Remind the offenders that, hey, you’re carrying a lot of jack on you.  Be ashame if someone robbed you.
  • Question their manhood or parents’ marital status.

Enough is enough, people.  We’ve been sheep long enough.  Take our nation back.  Let’s start with these douchebags first.

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Four More Months

Today is September 20.

Only four more months before our long national nightmare is over.

Remember, it matters not if you are a Democrat or a Republican.  One should never ever vote for stupid people to be president.

Hope you’ve learned your lesson, America.  Because there are people with the IQ of a rock eyeing the presidency in 2012 and 2016.  If we move fast, we can send them back to Burger King where the worst they can do is mess up your Whopper.

An Important Message For Bill Cunningham

Dear Mr. Cunningham:

Yes, we know your power is out.  As I type this, 154,000 people in the Cincinnati area are still without power in the wake of Hurricane Ike’s visit to the Tristate.  Unlike you, most of them do not have a radio show on a 50,000-watt AM station.

However, let’s put a few of things in perspective.  Since your power’s out, you can spend the time you normally spend watching Hannity and Colmes to good use turning this over in your addled brain.

  1. Tropical storms don’t normally reach Ohio with any degree of intensity or moisture.  The last one to come to Ohio still relatively intact was Opal in 1995, which didn’t come through Cincinnati.  It only dumped an unexpected rain shower on us.  The last hurricane to make it to Ohio with its winds still intact was the killer storm that struck Galveston in 1900.  In other words, this is a freak occurrence.  And you want to sue Duke Energy because a freak storm, the likes of which hasn’t happened here in 108 years, is keeping you from watching The O’Reilly Factor?  Hey, dumbass!  Downtown didn’t lose power!  Go stay in The Cincinnatian!  It’s not like you’re poor or something!
  2. Your power’s been out for only four days.  I have a friend in Texas who also has no power and doesn’t expect to well into next week.  In Houston and Galveston, they’re looking at SIX WEEKS! Quit being a pussy, you pussy.  You’ll get your power back in time to masturbate to more footage of Sarah Palin.
  3. If I yell “Fire!” in a crowded movie theater, the police would arrest me and quite rightly.  I’m creating a menace to public safety by stirring up people in an enclosed space.  Similarly, if someone puts on a swastika arm band and starts reading from Mein Kampf outside a synagogue, he will be arrested probably seconds before the congregation breaks out the pitchforks and clubs and considers whether dead bigot meat is kosher or not.  You are on 50,000 watts threatening Duke Energy, the people trying to turn your freaking power on, not only on your show, but other people’s shows on WLW.  Meanwhile, people who will never afford to live in your palatial Indian Hill estate are already stressing from the loss of power.  Were I Simon Leis, I’d be waiting for you in the lobby of the former Bank One Towers with a pair of cuffs, a Miranda Card, and a copy of public safety laws which you apparently forgot to read while you were in law school marching on the plains of Xavier.  In short, Willy, you are a public safety menace.  Rather than waste the sheriff’s time, SHUT THE HELL UP!
  4. Let me give you the same advice you gave to survivors of Katrina back in 2005:  Man up!  I’ve lived in Cincinnati for 17 years now, and I’ve yet to see you be anything resembling a man.  Keep in mind I don’t define a man the way your fellow WLW host, Tracy Jones, does.  But we do agree on one thing.  A man doesn’t whine like you do when he’s merely inconvenienced.  A good start would be to apologize.  You’ve been nothing but a child with an AARP card all week.  Time to prove you’re at least technically an adult.

To paraphrase Sam Wyche, Willy, you don’t live in Houston, you live in Cincinnati!  Grow up!

The Band Of The 2000’s: The Foo Fighters

Monday, I listed, in order, the band of the decade for the entire rock era through 2000. Elvis, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, U2, and Metallica, with The Rolling Stones being the band of the era.

But notice there really isn’t a “band of the 2000’s.”  Why is this?

Some of it is the Internet.  A lot of it is MTV and corporate radio.  The coming of Clear Channel, CBS (aka Infinity in the pre-Viacom days), and Radio One destroyed local radio, which built Elvis and The Beatles and…

Much of it has to do with the sheer fragmentation of rock music in the last 25 years.  Led Zep may have invented heavy metal.  Metallica seems to be confined to it.

And let’s be honest.  Rock as we knew it from 1964 through the end of the grunge era is a fading form.  It’s one thing to see Mick Jagger and Keith Richards bouncing across the stage at 64.  (Hell, Mick is more limber approaching 70 than I am leaving 40 behind.)  It’s kind of embarrassing to watch Vince Neil of Motley Crue get a facelift on a reality show because 50’s coming and that’s hell on a former party boy.

I’m sure there are some who will argue, from a purely commercial standpoint, that Coldplay would be this decade’s band.  While I like Coldplay, I would disagree, and many people would howl in agony at that suggestion.  In fact, the sheer number howling in agony convinces me this is not the case.  They are successful, but hardly earth-shattering.  Their sound has too many echoes of Oasis, Radiohead, the post-Fish Marillion, and some of the poppier sounding U2.  While honoring and using what came before is all well and good, being the band that “sounds like those other guys” negates any claim to band of the decade status.

Radiohead, on the other hand, probably has a bigger claim.  And indeed, they were the first major act to bypass the big labels and go direct to the fans.  Still, too many people my age and younger hear the name Radiohead and go, “Huh?”  Is it an American thing?  Or is the Pink Floyd of the Nineties label more appropriate for Radiohead?  (Not a bad title, considering they don’t suffer from the instabilities of a Syd Barrett or, more mercifully, Roger Waters in his bipolar phase.)

But one band has kept its collective head down and forged on, putting out better and better albums year in and year out since their inception as a side project for one member of Nirvana:  The Foo Fighters.

The Foos, or more specifically Dave Grohl, have been one of the hardest working acts in music since Kurt Cobain died.  Every move is well thought out, and between commercial success and sheer creative prowess, The Foo Fighters in all its incarnations have been second to none, particularly on 2005’s In Your Honor.  Whereas Elvis became The King, The Beatles leaders of a cultural revolution, Led Zeppelin the first true rock gods, U2 a political force, and Metallica an industry, The Foo Fighters simply have been pwning.  No bravado.  No boasts.  Just great music played well and connecting with their audience like few other bands.

And perhaps that’s what makes The Foo Fighters the band of the 2000’s.  They just do their job, do it well, and tell you this might be the last Foo Fighters album.  They’re not threatening to break up.  They’re only telling you they’re not going to indulge in post-creative suckage (A lesson learned by The Beatles and irrelevant to U2, but sorely needed by Elvis, Zeppelin, Metallica, and for a few years, the Rolling Stones).

So what about it?  Am I right?  Do the Foos own the New Millennium?

Great Gig In The Sky

Pink Floyd has announced that founding member and keyboardist Rick Wright has died at the age of 65 after a short battle with cancer.

Wright was one of those musicians whose presence you miss as soon as they leave a band.  Anyone listening to Floyd’s 1983 effort, The Final Cut, can hear the band is not firing on all cylinders.  And while missing the powerful and dramatic presence of Roger Waters in the late 1980’s through the 1990’s, Floyd sounded like its old self with Wright back behind his Hammond B3.  Plus Wright was one of the first members of Floyd to reconcile with Waters in the early 2000’s.

First Syd Barrett, and now Rick Wright.

Nobody knows where you are…

Band of the 2000’s?

As we close in on the final year of the decade, one burning question remains.

No, not how much longer before we’re rid of George Bush.

Who is the band of this decade.  What band defined the decade more than any other?

After the jump, we take a look at what bands came before, starting with the dawn of rock and roll.

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The Wisdom Of Ron White

For those of you thinking of defying Ike as it slams into Texas, keep this in mind:

“It isn’t that the wind is blowing, it’s what the wind is blowing. If you get hit with a Volvo, it doesn’t matter how many pushups you did that morning.”

Ron White, who lives in Texas, is a wise man, though how he won some of that wisdom was probably unwise.

Appropo of nothing, I have another piece of advice for Ann Coulter from the man in black from Dallas.

“Next time you have a thought, let it go.”