Attention, Far Right…

Dear True Believers:

It appears your deep consternation this election season is based on some beliefs of yours that are wholly erroneous. Allow me to correct these for you:

  • There is no Grand Liberal Conspiracy. There never was. Rush Limbaugh made it up.
  • There is no homosexual agenda. (There is, however, a metrosexual agenda no one takes seriously.)
  • Rush Limbaugh is not funny. Sean Hannity is not intelligent. Ann Coulter is not a patriot. And Glenn Beck takes himself less seriously than you do.
  • Ronald Reagan raised taxes. Twice.
  • Barack Obama is not a closet Muslim or a white separatist. Hillary Clinton is not a communist. And John McCain is not a liberal.
  • The definition of “liberal,” unless your IQ is below that of a houseplant, is not “Does not agree with the Far Right completely and within microscopic tolerances.”
  • You are not the entire Republican Party. The noise you guys make only makes it seem like it.
  • The only real conservatives left in the country are PJ O’Rourke and William F. Buckley. And Buckley’s dead. The rest are just second-rate Archie Bunkers.
  • The guy who wrote The Purpose-Driven Life is an Evangelical who believes in, or at least gives a fair hearing to, Darwin and the Big Bang because, dude, God’s just awesome enough to pull that off.  He’s also a Democrat because, apparently, if you read those red letters in the New Testament, that’s WWJD.
  • There was a War on Christmas once. However, the Emperor Constantine took care of that problem. So since 313 AD, there has not been nor is there a war on Christmas.
  • There is no Easter Bunny.
  • There is no Tooth Fairy.
  • There is a Santa Claus, but the Naughty/Nice List is now handled in Bangalore, and the elves’ jobs have been outsourced to a Vietnamese sweat shop.*

Now that we have that all cleared up, you may crawl off in a corner somewhere and curl up in the fetal position.

Happy April Fool’s Day, fools,

The Most Aggravated Independent In The Nation

*Actually, I suspect most of you knew that about Santa, as do most other people, but someone might as well say it out loud.