Some time in the late 1990′s, I ballooned from 230 pounds to around 270. After my parents died early in the last decade, I made it all the way up to 310 pounds. Or, as Gabriel Iglesias puts it, I made it to Damn! The bad news is I carry my weight well. When I was at my worst, people said, “Oh, you’re not so bad. You’re what? 250 pounds?”
For those of you not familiar with comedian Gabriel Iglesias, he is one big Mexican from San Diego who describes his ample weight as “fluffy.” According to Iglesias, the six stages of fat are “big, healthy, husky, fluffy, Damn! and “Aw, hell no!” The first three are self-explanatory. “Fluffy” is when you are clearly, possibly morbidly, obese, but you can function normally. You’re just a big person. Damn! is when you make people nervous getting on the elevator. What’s “Aw, hell no!”?
Routinely, you see shirts that go all the way up to 5XL. This is too small for “Aw, hell no!” I have an uncle who could easily reach this size without too much impact on his health. Then again, he’s 6’7″ (and not quite that heavy as of the last time I saw him.) Any smaller, and you might fall under the protections of the Americans with Disabilities Act.
That’s not to say I’m going to be making fat jokes. Fat jokes are the domain of the intellectually bankrupt. Unless they are self-deprecating, as Gabriel Iglesias’ jokes are.
My point is I looked husky when, in fact, I was Damn! Inside, my weight was two levels over what it appeared to be. Now I look big, but I’m fluffy on the inside. The problem with this revoltin’ development is, when you’re bigger on the inside than you are on the outside, your body gets cranky. Blood pressure goes up. Blood sugar goes up. Liver gets angry. And I have to sleep with a Darth Vader mask or choke to death while rattling the windows.
It’s gotten better. I’ve been in the low 270′s since the beginning of the year. I’ve started running. I snack less. I feel better. Now if I can just get off some of my medications.
It beats the hell out of snoring when you’re awake and knees that hurt just sitting down.