You Are No Longer Allowed To Say That

As we enter the final leg of the election season, I am officially overstepping my bounds and banning certain phrases from the English language. What’s that, you say? Where do I get off? What am I going to do about it if you don’t do as I say?

I’m not going to be very nice to you. You’ve been warned. So hereinafter is the list of Phrases Banned From The English Language.

1. “Hollywood friends” – You know what? I am sick to death of some Republican hack trotting out this tired old cliche whenever his or her Democratic opponent is suddenly blowing the doors off of them. Actually, Bob Taft did it while winning the election. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to vote for Tim Hagan because he married the woman from Star Trek: Voyager. No, Bob, I voted for you because Hagan was a bigger asshole. Had I known you’d be the first Ohio governor to be convicted of a crime in office, I’d have voted for the loudmouth from Cleveland.
2. “Embolden the terrrorists”/”Al Qaeda supports it” – OK, listen up. Al Qaeda’s opinion doesn’t count. I don’t care if the terrorists are emboldened or happy or dancing in the streets. They’re the enemy, and the enemy’s opinion, the enemy’s boldness, and the enemies preference for either the US or UK version of The Office COUNTS FOR NOTHING!!! If you care about this, you’re a coward. And if you’re a coward, the terrorists have won.
3. “The terrorists win” – Until the United States ceases to exist, the terrorists are basically a fatal nuisance. Unless you decide you’re a coward and want to live in fear of them. See #2.
4. “Vast right-wing conspiracy – Unless you’re Jeff Jena, who actually runs a Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy, you cannot blame all your woes on a vast right-wing conspiracy. Only Bill Clinton could lie about a blow job. And stupidity, quite possibly the hallmark of the current Bush Administration, is not a liberal or a conservative trait. It’s just stupid. The closest thing we have to a vast right-wing conspiracy is a deep cultural tradition of large companies screwing over the little guy. Stop laughing, rest of the world. We didn’t ship you lead contaminated with toys.
5. “Lies of the liberal media” – Oh, the media lies. Let’s make no mistake about that. But why is it when the truth is told about a political figure, the “liberal” media is lying? Or it’s a vast right-wing conspiracy? Take #’s 4 & 5 together. If you hear someone say one of those, they have something to hide or deny. Hell, I’ve even seen Osama bin-Laden do it. Either the liberal media lied about him, there is a vast right-wing conspiracy against him, or he’s simply been emboldened to use stupid cliches. Does this mean he’s won?
6. “It is what it is” – OK, not political, but it’s replaced “At the end of the day” in the English lexicon as the most overused phrase in the language. Stop that! It is what it is? At the end of the day, that tells me nothing. What is it? I know God said “I am what I am,” but God’s a huge concept. Even God has a problem getting His mind around it. (Athiests: Try swapping out God for the Universe. Yeah. Huge. And getting huger everyday.) But it is what it is? That’s worse than white people in the eighties just saying “What it is.” What happened to the original overused cliche, “It’s all good.”

Oh, yeah. 9/11.

So it’s not all good. It is what it is.

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