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News Flash! Flying Sucks! April 7, 2008

Posted by eviljwinter in WTF.
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A new survey has determined that passengers, in the wake of higher prices and slashed staffs, are angrier than ever at the airlines.  Among the biggest complaints?

Lost bags, rude service, and lower on-time rates.

The airlines that faired the worst?  USAir and Delta subsidiary ComAir, both major airlines that just came out of bankruptcy.

The airlines who came up smelling like a rose?  AirTran, JetBlue, and my personal favorite, Southwest.  Notice they’re all low-cost airlines.

Hmm…

So if I pay more, I’m treated rudely, my baggage is mishandled, and I can’t get there from here on time.

If I drive an hour or two and pay less, I’m treated like a celebrity, and I and my bags arrive on time.

Hey, Delta!  Notice the difference?  Care to guess why you’re still struggling after bankruptcy?

and now…. a momentary lapse, with joel. April 5, 2008

Posted by joelawfulshow in A Momentary Lapse, The Awful Show.
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incarcerated vs. incinerated: one is burned by the law, the other is just burned.

Friday Awards April 4, 2008

Posted by eviljwinter in WTF.
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The Choked Like Mama Cass Award goes to…

Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry, who seems to love riding in the back of police cars a little too much.  Henry also will need to report to the Hamilton County Job & Family Services Office to collect his unemployment check, assuming he won’t be moving to Monroe, Ohio anytime soon.

The Cheese With Your Wine Award is a tie!

Chad Johnson, apparently miffed that Chris Henry has stolen the spotlight from him as a Bengals bad boy, wins for his cry-baby retort to Marvin Lewis’s suggestion he not let the door hit him in the ass.

The Chad shares his award with former President Bill Clinton, for his behind-closed-doors temper tantrum over Bill Richardson’s endorsement of Barack Obama.  You know how Jimmy Carter is considered one of the best ex-presidents America ever had?  Bill Clinton is turning out to be one of the worst.  One might say he is the George W. Bush of ex-presidents.  I’ll be happier when George Bush becomes the George Bush of ex-presidents.  He’s already the Warren Harding of his generation.

In The Beginning… April 3, 2008

Posted by eviljwinter in Standup Comedy.
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When you are a comedian, in the beginning…

  • Most of your material will fall flat
  • You will not be paid to perform
  • Many of your gigs will be to empty rooms and other comics
  • You will have a day job and have to keep it
  • Not as many people will come to your MySpace page as go to Dane Cook’s
  • The most successful guy you work with will be someone no one’s heard of
  • You may have to put on your own show
  • You will come to appreciate comics who are consistent more than comics who have killer sets, because consistent comics get more work
  • You will rack up miles on your car just to go to a biker bar to polish your set
  • You will want to quit when gigs get canceled or no one shows up
  • You will think you’re ready for Leno when the next gig puts the crowd in your hand
  • The worst thing that can happen to you is you don’t bomb your first time up.  Then every gig after that for the next year is a disappointment, even the good ones.

Sounds depressing, but comedian Jeff Jena told me it takes 20-50 shows just to get paying work, and five years to get good enough to tour.

That sounds an awful lot like writing.

Come to think of it, 75% of standup is writing.

Go figure.

and now…. a momentary lapse, with joel. April 2, 2008

Posted by joelawfulshow in A Momentary Lapse, The Awful Show.
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do you think that if Ghost Rider and The Human Torch were to come out of the closet…. that they would bring new meaning to the words ‘flaming homosexual’….?

Thrilling! April 1, 2008

Posted by eviljwinter in Uncategorized.
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Somehow, I’ve managed to drag Nick Kepler out of retirement in time for the 10th Anniversary Issue of The Thrilling Detective Web Site. Nick’s latest adventure has him chasing a degenerate gambler all over the Midwest only to corner him on one of Indiana’s Ohio River casino boats.

Also this issue, new fiction from the hypergraphic Stephen D Rogers, the hypernoirish Robert Petyo, and the just plain hyper Paul Guyot. Also on tap are excerpts from the latest efforts by Eric Lerner and John Shannon, with more to come from Sandra Seamans and Finland’s Tappe Bagge.

And if that weren’t enough, TD perpetrator Kevin Burton Smith gives thanks and praise to all those who helped him, including Blue Murder founder David Firks.

So get over to Thrilling Detective and prepare to be thrilled.

Attention, Far Right… April 1, 2008

Posted by eviljwinter in Politics, WTF.
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Dear True Believers:

It appears your deep consternation this election season is based on some beliefs of yours that are wholly erroneous. Allow me to correct these for you:

  • There is no Grand Liberal Conspiracy. There never was. Rush Limbaugh made it up.
  • There is no homosexual agenda. (There is, however, a metrosexual agenda no one takes seriously.)
  • Rush Limbaugh is not funny. Sean Hannity is not intelligent. Ann Coulter is not a patriot. And Glenn Beck takes himself less seriously than you do.
  • Ronald Reagan raised taxes. Twice.
  • Barack Obama is not a closet Muslim or a white separatist. Hillary Clinton is not a communist. And John McCain is not a liberal.
  • The definition of “liberal,” unless your IQ is below that of a houseplant, is not “Does not agree with the Far Right completely and within microscopic tolerances.”
  • You are not the entire Republican Party. The noise you guys make only makes it seem like it.
  • The only real conservatives left in the country are PJ O’Rourke and William F. Buckley. And Buckley’s dead. The rest are just second-rate Archie Bunkers.
  • The guy who wrote The Purpose-Driven Life is an Evangelical who believes in, or at least gives a fair hearing to, Darwin and the Big Bang because, dude, God’s just awesome enough to pull that off.  He’s also a Democrat because, apparently, if you read those red letters in the New Testament, that’s WWJD.
  • There was a War on Christmas once. However, the Emperor Constantine took care of that problem. So since 313 AD, there has not been nor is there a war on Christmas.
  • There is no Easter Bunny.
  • There is no Tooth Fairy.
  • There is a Santa Claus, but the Naughty/Nice List is now handled in Bangalore, and the elves’ jobs have been outsourced to a Vietnamese sweat shop.*

Now that we have that all cleared up, you may crawl off in a corner somewhere and curl up in the fetal position.

Happy April Fool’s Day, fools,

The Most Aggravated Independent In The Nation

*Actually, I suspect most of you knew that about Santa, as do most other people, but someone might as well say it out loud.