Edged in Blue

So Britney Spears has gone off the deep end.

Um…  This is news?  We already knew that.  We don’t need a blow by blow.  Isn’t Ah-Nold endorsing McCain?  Isn’t Courtney Love overdue for another rehab stint?  It’s almost enough to make me miss Paris Hilton.

Almost.

Here’s what I’m tired of with Britney-gate:  The shrieking headlines that Britney Spears cannot cope and is suffering from major stress.  One talking head went as far as to suggest Britney flee Los Angeles for a while to get her head together.

I would advise any resident of Los Angeles to flee that celebrity-obsessed cesspool, but I’ll save that for Britney.  But here’s a whacky idea, one that would maybe, yanno, let the girl get her head together without the aid of a plane ticket and a cabin in the Colorado Rockies:

Why doesn’t the press leave her alone?

Seriously.

This is not news.  Most people I know are bored with it almost to the point of missing Paris Hilton.

Almost.

Seriously, these brain-dead news editors keep running screaming headlines every time Brit pops a couple of Nuprin and maybe yells at one of the 10,000 paparazzi on her lawn and make it a headline slightly bigger than the Kennedy Assassination.  Care to guess why Britney Spears is having a little trouble coping?  If I were Kevin Federline, I’d demand full custody with no visitation rights, too.  Why?  Do I hate Britney?

Just her music.  I would demand the same thing as K-Fed because little kids should not be exposed to the glare of a thousand idiot tabloid photographers’ lights.

So I have a modest proposal.  The United States should resume air testing of nuclear weapons for a one-off detonation.

Leak to the press that Britney’s hideaway is at Ground Zero.

Announce the nuclear test 30 seconds before detonation.

CNN goes back to reporting news.

Fox goes back to pretending to report news.

George Clooney sleeps a little easier knowing the photographer who keeps trying to shoot through his skylight has been vaporized.

Problem solved.